Depression, Anxiety and Me

I really don’t know where to start with this, I know I have been building up to writing it for a long while but never found the courage. Having read various articles and comments about recent events involving famous people, it has spurred me on to find my voice and speak out. I have been so moved by what I have read that I not only am I moved to write about it but I will be doing some fund raising too. 

I have suffered with depression on and off over the years from the age of around 17 because of various traumatic events that have scarred me for life, those events made me the person I am today. strong, yes but inside screaming and unable to cope with simple daily tasks. One thing I want to say is that this is not being written to get sympathy, nor do I need negative comments, I simply want to let others know they are not alone. At some point everyone that has depression or anxiety will feel alone, lonely, desolate, desperate, weak and maybe suicidal. You can have the most loving and wonderful family and friends around you but at the same time feel like you are on your own because nobody understands or you feel like you can’t tell anybody because you feel like a failure or that you don’t want to be a burden. 

I know it’s not the case for everyone but having people in your life that don’t understand can be so hard at times because for me, I have always found it hard to express myself, to find the right words that don’t cause an argument or make me sound stupid so its just easier to say nothing is wrong. 

So I put on this fake smile and I got so used to pretending that everything is fine with my fake smile that it became normal, I still do it now and I bet loads of other people do too. Imagine if you were honest every time someone said “Hi, how are you?” people would just start avoiding you and thinking there goes misery guts! So I guess for me, this is a technique that I use not only to mask feelings to others but also to myself. Inside, it’s far from ok but pretending for so long that all the feelings of pain and those that caused endless tears for no apparent reason become feelings of numbness and failure and so without realising it, I started to avoid going out so I don’t have to see people for fear I may say too much to someone or sound silly. 

I recently got told I also have anxiety, I fidget if I am not busy doing something, another habit that I guess is also me trying to be ignorant to what is really going on, I keep busy because then I don’t have to think about things too much. I don’t really watch tv because if I sit down and I haven’t got my phone then I fidget.  People sometimes ask me how I do it, 4 kids, look after the house (that gets totally neglected!), write a blog, sew, bake or create something… I don’t think I am successful in keeping up with everything in my life and I have lost touch with many friends over the years too. I forget everything and I have to put everything in my phone with 2 reminders and paperwork, I used to work in an office and my desk was always tidy, now I lose letters and other important paperwork. Maybe that part is just because I have had children but my baby brain isn’t getting any better, is that normal? what is normal? everyone is different so in my opinion you can’t be a normal person. 

I have hit rock bottom many times and felt suicidal many times and although we are going through quite a tough time at the moment (that’s another post!), I am taking medication and trying my best to make small improvements and get the correct help and support that I need, this is making a massive difference to know that because I spoke up to the right people, there are people out there that care and that will point you in the right direction. Getting help is not easy as I have found out but with my children in mind, it’s something I am willing to fight for. 

It has taken me days to write this, coming back to it several times and reading it over and over, deleting bits and just generally faffing over it, I really hope that by writing this it’s going to help someone else.
I made a pledge over at Time To Change to help end mental health stigma by sharing my story, I will be writing updates, now that I have made it to the end of this first post I hope that if there is anyone that reads this and feels alone, depressed or just needs some help or support please know that you are not alone. 

If anyone has 2 minutes to spare  to pop over to time to change, you can pledge too, it can be something as small as asking a friend if they are ok, no money is involved so it really is a great way to help this campaign.

Thanks for taking the time to read 

Lucy xx  

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7 thoughts on “Depression, Anxiety and Me

  • Kitty Kaos

    I am glad you shared this post even though you found it hard. Sometimes those are the most important posts for us to write and if even one person reads this and knows that how they feel isn't just them then you have done more than enough xx

  • Hayley Evans

    I have to say that it's so refreshing to hear that someone else is the same as me. I wouldn't say that there are big things that have haunted me but more the continual pressures of life and illness and for the sake of my 3 boys I just have to push it down and keep going. No one ever realises how I'm really feeling. Many a time my 12yr old has had to comfort me when he's found me hiding in the kitchen sat on the floor crying because I just can't cope. As long as we can claw our way back out of our pit when we fall into it yet again we'll be ok hun. Being able to talk about it is definitely a good step. Lots of love Hxx